A Statement from John Heard
"I was rather young to be so far north, but there is a period near the beginning of every man's life when he has little to cling to except his unmanageable dream, little to support him except good health, and nowhere to go but all over the place" - The Years of Wonder (E.B. White, 1961)
As this site approaches 600,000 page views, it is a good time to reckon with the past and make some disclosures that will, no doubt, influence the way my public efforts are received in the future.
DREADNOUGHT was started as an experiment, a very public but also necessarily personal exploration of the Catholic teaching on human sexuality. It was an attempt to chronicle my experiences; primarily (although I did not always know it at the time) to set down what it feels like to be a same sex attracted Catholic.
At first I was motivated by that most common and human desire – to know I was not alone. Next, I wanted to know it could be done; that one could be a Catholic and a same sex attracted man, a creature of ordinary passions (albeit not properly "normal") living out a life of relative equanimity. Of course, I always knew one could (if it came down to a discussion of possible facts, I existed), but the available cultural models for "gay" men at the time seemed to offer either a life of radical promiscuity or a shadow-world of psychologically circumscribed denial and / or repression. This was the "liberated" / "Catholic"-"ex-gay" dichotomy.
However, the early and sustained popularity of the site and the massively over-subscribed comments boxes, not to mention the thousands of emails received, testified to the existence of a vast, otherwise overlooked (or ignored) cohort. At first people were mostly intrigued: piqued, or offended by the idea of a "gay, Catholic, conservative". Some were put off by any talk of a "post-gay" reality. Yet, many also said they thought like me, and a significant few eventually revealed they were themselves just the same. Now, "post-gay" is cliché and younger same sex attracted men are relatively nonchalant about their feelings. What their desires mean about who they are and what kind of men they can become does not seem like such a pressing issue.
The conversation here has mirrored this shift away from identity politics generally. Over the years we discussed, sometimes for the first time in a serious and public context, how same sex attraction is not always simply sexual and that it is not properly thought of as constitutive. We decided that it is better thought of as an attribute, a more or less strong tendency, in a wide constellation of self-making attributes. We talked about how it is a part of one’s personality, not the defining feature of one’s "category" of humanity. We talked about how religious/ethical ideas about moral order and human flourishing did not always happily translate into post-1960s psychology-inflected English – but that did not automatically mean the latter was preferable, humane, or true. In this way, the "liberated" / "Catholic"-"ex-gay" dichotomy was revealed as a fallacy and the lived experiences of millions of men, brought to light and described on this site, helped confirm its demise.
Rarely now does the English-speaking media refer unquestioningly to the old cultural models. Rarely too does anyone, without malice, fail to acknowledge that the Catholic teaching on same sex attraction distinguishes between homogenital acts and same sex desires. This is a major achievement. Further, many good religious types, who might otherwise have persisted too long with rigid and unfair ideas about their brothers and sisters, here expressed a change of heart and revealed a depth of fellow-feeling that will remain one of the chief boasts of this experiment and the best testament to the wider influence of what we have done.
Some years ago I closed down the comments boxes. The blog was pretty much finished as an example of that genre from that point. Still, the hardier types, the seekers and learners persisted with me. They have followed my writing through the years. Strangers identified as DREADOUGHTERS and DREADNOUGHTERS became "gracious friends". I am thankful for their support and I have always admired their verve. I always will. I have cherished your shared stories and prayers.
I think, together, we have conclusively answered the founding question in the affirmative, giving hope to many who would otherwise have chafed under an ill-fitting categorisation. There is no need to stereotype our inner lives and intimate physical selves. As curious, offensive, impossible, or crazy as it seemed at the time, this site and all of the many discussions we have had here have helped demonstrate definitively that it is possible, that it is relatively commonplace, and that we are not in fact madmen.
To get to this point, however, there were pitfalls to navigate along the way. Everyone, it seemed, wanted to discuss the issues, to share their stories and sorrows. Newspapers and magazines came calling. I was booked for television and radio appearances. From a relatively young age, I had the singular experience of hearing people I had never met, and who did not recognise me standing nearby, strenuously debating the merits of my views. Diverse people all over the nation and overseas held opinions on the quality of my voice, the nature of my beliefs, the attractiveness or otherwise of my appearance, and the ‘real reason” I said x or did y. The day I saw my picture on the front page of the National Catholic Register, just below an article on President Barack Obama, supplied another shock.
I have never really believed this interest had much to do with me. Rather, it is more likely that I simply started writing and talking about sex, politics, and religion at a time when any combination of those topics was considered provocative. Early on, however, I did sometimes poke a stick at tender things to see if people would flinch. It is very satisfying for a young man to be feted and – most flattering of all - consulted. It was a wild ride, in some respects, and I only stepped back from punditry when I realised that I risked morphing into one of those "nattering nabobs of negativism" that Spiro Agnew famously proscribed. I regret to say that it actually took a while for me to learn that I did not always have the answers, that something was not necessarily learned (or pressing, or popular) simply because I had an opportunity to express my view of it for or against.
In the course of my public efforts I have, therefore, learned a number of valuable lessons, but chief among these is a realistic sense of my limitations. I hope I am a much more humble man now. I know I am a more careful man than I was when I wrote some of the posts here. I particularly regret sometimes playing the man (or woman - Martine Delaney) rather than engaging with ideas. Like many young men, I found certain people beyond ridiculous and I sometimes judged them on the basis of what I knew of their views.
Only being judged and dismissed as a human being, simply because of someone’s having read a snippet of something I once said, or wrote, or did – taught me this lesson. Empathy is hard won, but it changes a man.
What I do not regret is stating clearly and honestly how I felt at any given time. I do not regret having been a young man of firm beliefs. Some things have remained true and strong: my faith, my belief in a place for same sex attracted men and women in the Church (including, for men, as priests), my more or less overarching intellectual (and more deep-seated cultural and political) conservatism, and my commitment to the promotion of marriage, improving the lot of families generally, and support for sage policies that contribute towards ensuring that we view ourselves as a community of carers, rather than just a loose association of competing interests.
What I have left behind, however, is a certain egocentrism and unfounded confidence. I no longer write or act as though I might sally forth into debate on any topic and quickly come to grips with the best solutions. I have read too much of Burke and Hayek to persist in that sort of error. On some issues, indeed, particularly parenting and relationships – my views have shifted and matured, but I have always returned to my core beliefs for insight. I have been blessed to have been guided by an enduring moral compass, even if it has sometimes caused me to wince in hindsight at the imprudent or uncharitable things I said and did in earlier times.
I have resisted all counsel to delete the site. The development of any human being is slow and sometimes unhappy (c.f. "the crooked timber of humanity"). My development has had its humiliating points, and I have been cursed/blessed with an ability to write whatever it is that I think in clear, limpid prose. That means I have occasionally been stridently stupid, and I admit I have sometimes been fragrantly offensive. No one will ever wonder what I thought growing up. It is all online here. My youthful triumphs and humiliations are public. The site is archived by the National Library of Australia!
The posts on DREADNOUGHT are a part of who I was, the feedback has contributed to the man I have become, and the lessons I learned from almost six years of thinking-out-loud will hopefully discipline me in whatever comes next. I can promise those who still read that these hard-won, character-building experiences will govern any service I hope to offer.
Now it just remains to (1) update the disclaimer that has always sat on the sidebar, (2) to archive the site and most of its functions, and (3) to sketch a bit of the future for faithful readers:
1 - I have always disclosed that "DREADNOUGHT is not a member of a political party and does not contribute financially to any party political entity" – a statement which is, as of this month, no longer accurate and has been changed.
2 - From this time onward, DREADNOUGHT and all related content is irrevocably archived. Statements previously posted here, opinions offered, positions clarified and refined should only be relied on as examples of my views, etc. as at the date posted. All intellectual property (including, but not limited to, writing, photographs, etc.) is © John Heard.
3 - I will no longer respond to emails sent to the address on the sidebar. The DREADNOUGHTERS Facebook Group will remain, as it belongs to the members and they will decide its fate. Following discussions with my editors, I will no longer post columns for syndication on this site. Those DREADNOUGHTERS who remain interested in my writing can consult The Spectator website.
